| JOKES COLLECTION Beware - 18+ Content Beware |
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My favourite this week.
Blonde in Pain
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."
Bacon in My Ear
A guy walks INTO a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and
bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that
magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you,
what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and
suck your boobs dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It
looks as if I did a pretty good job."
This joke was told on Parkinson by Dame Edna for Xmas.
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was
hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep
this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a
month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her
"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it
under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says
"I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off
your bicycle for a week."
And to think the future of the world is in their hands....
How Kids Think
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school
quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.
They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Enjoy
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos.
He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
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Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as
well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were
messier then than they show on tv now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand.
The English and French still have problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself
before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was > very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly
on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist
for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a
log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.
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On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a
moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian,
and half English. He was very large.
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Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the
father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by
hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up.
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Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
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Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
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Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it
and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches
who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
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Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become
scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
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Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started
revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Driving with Penguins
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't
drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.The
next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by
the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."The man replies "I did. Today
I'm taking them to the movies."
Charlie's Hole In One
Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What
took you so long?"The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and
Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."The guy's wife says, "That's
terrible!"The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag
Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . ."
Burn Patient
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is
promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already
starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a
sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do
him?"The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
Clinic's Name
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was
the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association -
it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he
asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Viagra Bed
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that
can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It
works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Talented Dog
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity
Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the
receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was
surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to
the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager
and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog
jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that
worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an
Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
The Fishing Groom
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign
still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for
a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and
mentions his behavior.
"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorrhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.'
On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a
T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the
body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the
population."
--David Letterman
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bucks' party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash slash backslash escape.
Bad Tooth
A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a toothpulled, "the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any
of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
THE GREAT ESCAPE
A British pilot is shot down over Germany in WW2. He is brought to a hospital and is hurt bad enough where they
had to amputate his leg. He asks the Germans if they wouldn't mind if the next time they raided London, if they
wouldn't mind dropping his leg over British soil. The Germans agreed.
A week later the pilots arm gets infected and must be amputated also. Again he asks the Germans to drop his
arm over British soil, and again they agree.
A few days later he gets another infection in his other leg, and it gets amputated as well. He immediately asks the
Germans if they wouldn't mind doing it one more time. The Germans say NO! When he asks them why they
replied," We think you are trying to escape!"
Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for
the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Irish Wife
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke
about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing
as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After
the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Language Problem
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady
sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the
men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two
asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed
swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola
down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!
The Irishman
An irishman comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual
conversations with the bartender,eventually finishing the other two.
This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for
you." The irishman replies, "No,I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers who are in the old
country now. This represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all
having a drink together." The bartender understands this so he continues to set them up as requested.
This goes on for several months and then one day, the lad comes in and orders TWO shots. Well, this worried the
bartender as he thought maybe something had happened to one of the brothers.
"Is everything alright?" the bartender asked.
"What do you mean?" replied the irishman.
"Well, all these months you have been ordering three shots and today you ordered only two. Did something
happen to one of your brothers?"
"No," the irishman replied. "They're both fine. It's just that I've quit drinking."
The Twist
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes
to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the
soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
Penis Contest
Three third-graders, an Australian, an Italian, and a New Zealander are on the playground at recess. The
Australian kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all
agree.
The Australian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out.
His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the New Zealander whips his out. It is far the biggest,
dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Australian and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow,
that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the New Zealander's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my
friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its
because I'm a Kiwi. Is that true, Mom?"
The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
Blonde Jigsaw Puzzle
John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into
her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in
the box."
Blonde Interpreter
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued
back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle
an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
Sex Therapist
A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will
you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and
then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon
completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged
them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with
no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the
doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are
you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't
go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78.
We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare.
"You're single aren't you?"
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
Dead Dog
A woman goes to the vet. She says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all
day."
The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead."
"Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you
can run?"
The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges.
The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around.
After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.
"Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead."
"I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best.
How much do I owe you?"
"$230."
"$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"
"Well it's $30 for the office visit," says the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."
Little Johnny And The Substitute Teacher
Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says "hello class, I'm
Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"
The entire class says" Hello Mrs. Prussy"
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick When Johny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher"I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter".
"That's right" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried
that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to
see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl
real fass away from me across the froor."
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she
did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see!
That why you haf sex probrem."
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"
Extra Effort
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office:I
had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it
was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most
women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't
going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and
gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I
threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am
sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in
Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have
taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh
of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc. At 8:30
that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the
bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back,
"No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Did you know...
The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.
Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why
Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump".
If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you single file, the line would never end because of the rate of
reproduction.
A snail can sleep for three years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The longest word in the English language in 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and
have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
The most common name in the world in Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup
of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans eat an average of 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish is the animal with the most taste buds - 27,000.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish don't have brains.
The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, and can pull 30 times its own weight.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length...it's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver".
In the great fire of London in 1666, half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
Only 7% of the population are lefties.
40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute...
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The average housefly lives for one month.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
Among the music catalogs that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.
If all the veins in your body were laid end-to-end, you'd be dead.
In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of
the milk.
Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
Thoughts
1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
8. So what's the speed of dark?
9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?
25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
35. Do fish get cramps after eating?
36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to
touch it.
43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at
him?
44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
57. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it
would defeat the purpose.
59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm!!
The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that it cannot be considered coincidence.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both their wives lost their children while living in the White
House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.
Both were shot in the presence of their wives. The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the
theater and to Dallas, respectively.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names have 15 letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.
To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trial.
Stupid Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to
be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana....
The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary
pair of pliers
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school
so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to
announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
Blonde in Pain
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."
Bacon in My Ear
A guy walks INTO a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and
bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that
magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you,
what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and
suck your boobs dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It
looks as if I did a pretty good job."
This joke was told on Parkinson by Dame Edna for Xmas.
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was
hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep
this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a
month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her
"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it
under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says
"I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off
your bicycle for a week."
And to think the future of the world is in their hands....
How Kids Think
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school
quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.
They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Enjoy
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos.
He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as
well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were
messier then than they show on tv now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand.
The English and French still have problems.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself
before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was > very dangerous to all his men.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly
on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist
for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a
log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a
moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian,
and half English. He was very large.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the
father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by
hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it
and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches
who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become
scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started
revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Driving with Penguins
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't
drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.The
next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by
the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."The man replies "I did. Today
I'm taking them to the movies."
Charlie's Hole In One
Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What
took you so long?"The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and
Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."The guy's wife says, "That's
terrible!"The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag
Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . ."
Burn Patient
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is
promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already
starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a
sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do
him?"The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
Clinic's Name
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was
the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association -
it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he
asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Viagra Bed
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that
can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It
works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Talented Dog
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity
Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the
receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was
surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to
the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager
and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog
jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that
worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an
Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
The Fishing Groom
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign
still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for
a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and
mentions his behavior.
"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorrhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.'
On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a
T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the
body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the
population."
--David Letterman
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bucks' party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash slash backslash escape.
Bad Tooth
A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a toothpulled, "the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any
of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
THE GREAT ESCAPE
A British pilot is shot down over Germany in WW2. He is brought to a hospital and is hurt bad enough where they
had to amputate his leg. He asks the Germans if they wouldn't mind if the next time they raided London, if they
wouldn't mind dropping his leg over British soil. The Germans agreed.
A week later the pilots arm gets infected and must be amputated also. Again he asks the Germans to drop his
arm over British soil, and again they agree.
A few days later he gets another infection in his other leg, and it gets amputated as well. He immediately asks the
Germans if they wouldn't mind doing it one more time. The Germans say NO! When he asks them why they
replied," We think you are trying to escape!"
Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for
the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Irish Wife
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke
about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing
as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After
the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Language Problem
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady
sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the
men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two
asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed
swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola
down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!
The Irishman
An irishman comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual
conversations with the bartender,eventually finishing the other two.
This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for
you." The irishman replies, "No,I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers who are in the old
country now. This represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all
having a drink together." The bartender understands this so he continues to set them up as requested.
This goes on for several months and then one day, the lad comes in and orders TWO shots. Well, this worried the
bartender as he thought maybe something had happened to one of the brothers.
"Is everything alright?" the bartender asked.
"What do you mean?" replied the irishman.
"Well, all these months you have been ordering three shots and today you ordered only two. Did something
happen to one of your brothers?"
"No," the irishman replied. "They're both fine. It's just that I've quit drinking."
The Twist
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes
to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the
soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
Penis Contest
Three third-graders, an Australian, an Italian, and a New Zealander are on the playground at recess. The
Australian kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all
agree.
The Australian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out.
His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the New Zealander whips his out. It is far the biggest,
dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Australian and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow,
that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the New Zealander's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my
friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its
because I'm a Kiwi. Is that true, Mom?"
The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
Blonde Jigsaw Puzzle
John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into
her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in
the box."
Blonde Interpreter
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued
back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle
an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
Sex Therapist
A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will
you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and
then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon
completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged
them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with
no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the
doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are
you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't
go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78.
We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare.
"You're single aren't you?"
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
Dead Dog
A woman goes to the vet. She says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all
day."
The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead."
"Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you
can run?"
The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges.
The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around.
After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.
"Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead."
"I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best.
How much do I owe you?"
"$230."
"$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"
"Well it's $30 for the office visit," says the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."
Little Johnny And The Substitute Teacher
Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says "hello class, I'm
Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"
The entire class says" Hello Mrs. Prussy"
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick When Johny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher"I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter".
"That's right" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried
that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to
see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl
real fass away from me across the froor."
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she
did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see!
That why you haf sex probrem."
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"
Extra Effort
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office:I
had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it
was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most
women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't
going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and
gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I
threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am
sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in
Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have
taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh
of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc. At 8:30
that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the
bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back,
"No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Did you know...
The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.
Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why
Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump".
If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you single file, the line would never end because of the rate of
reproduction.
A snail can sleep for three years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The longest word in the English language in 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and
have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
The most common name in the world in Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup
of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans eat an average of 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish is the animal with the most taste buds - 27,000.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish don't have brains.
The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, and can pull 30 times its own weight.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length...it's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver".
In the great fire of London in 1666, half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
Only 7% of the population are lefties.
40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute...
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The average housefly lives for one month.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
Among the music catalogs that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.
If all the veins in your body were laid end-to-end, you'd be dead.
In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of
the milk.
Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
Thoughts
1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
8. So what's the speed of dark?
9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?
25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
35. Do fish get cramps after eating?
36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to
touch it.
43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at
him?
44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
57. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it
would defeat the purpose.
59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm!!
The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that it cannot be considered coincidence.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both their wives lost their children while living in the White
House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.
Both were shot in the presence of their wives. The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the
theater and to Dallas, respectively.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names have 15 letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.
To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trial.
Stupid Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to
be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana....
The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary
pair of pliers
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school
so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to
announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam